Thanks Rayna and YouOme,

I just got back from spending 4 days with friends in another town. I couldn't handle detoxing on my own and was also afraid that I'd do something really stupid. I've thought a lot about what triggered me to drink and I can't really define it. i had kind of let up on going to meetings a bit, with the cold and no car it was easy to find an excuse not to - I guess I'll just have to start going back to meetings every day. The one thing I have learned is how dangerous I am to myself when I drink - it's almost like a suicide wish, I just want oblivion so badly. I've called my addictions Dr. and my case manager at the hospital I go to and am waiting for them to call me back. I'm not really sure what I'm going to say except to try to be as honest with them as I can. I feel kind of embarrassed at having to go back to my home group tomorrow night and tell them, it's a group with a lot of long term sobriety and I feel like I'm the only person not getting the program. I told my landlord today because he wondered where I'd been for the past four days & he doesn''t get it. He kept just telling me I needed to have more willpower. But when my brain flips it's like nothing is coming between me and that drink. I know I have to get back on the program and I really want to, it's just that I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever really be able to make it.

Oh and in case anyone is wondering drinking when you're on Antabuse really is the height of stupidity not only does it make you sick while you're drinking it makes you feel that much worse when you're going through the withdrawl afterwards. The best thing that can be said is at least I didn't have a seizure.

--splitimage