I agree with wiretwister, that this does not really sound like a healthy way and as you said, it's expensive either. Why don't you write the (sexual) frustration you carry inside yourself down. Write about the pleasure you would get from being flogged, from being punished. You can than either delete/burn what you have written, or share it with others on the internet, for their and your own benefit. Judging by the few lines you have written, I can tell that you have talent, as a writer! Just publish it on a website for erotic literature, and I'm sure you will get many positive replies. That might help you too. Good luck