i'm working on a new letter to my T about a problem i'm having... i have run out of the familiar stuff.. the devils i know.. i mean, we haven't finished with them or anything, but i no longer know what to say. Going to therapy has become an anxiety producing event.

i don't know what to do. Nothing comes to mind once i am there. Nothing seems to have any "pull" to it... nothing grabs my attention. i sit there and feel emotionless. Blnk. empty.

i'm supposed to be smart enough to figure all this out. when i cant then i get very depressed and even more removed from any intense feeling.

i am afraid of being nothing.. that in here, under all of these supposedly "bad" events... that i am nothing. Nothing matters and i don't matter. In those moments of silence i retreat further and further.

yesterday he talked for a while.. i think to relieve me in the silence (ty T)... and i just stared at the bookcase.. i was there but not i guess. At some point his voice trailed off as he saw that i wasn't entirely listening... and he asked me what was happening, where was i at that point..

i grabbed some topic from a previous talk and gave that to him... but in all honesty? i was nowhere. i wasn't anyplace or anything. i was completely nothing. no thoughts. no feelings. no me. Gone. i had no honest answer.