Thanks LT and luco for the empathy. Good to know it's not just me.
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Originally Posted by Dawntreader
It sounds like you have a lot of people looking after you. The fantasy of taking care of them might be a healthy impulse. We're not supposed to remain dependent forever. We're supposed to grow and take care of ourselves and the world around us.
People who are either deprived of that by illness, or don't take that step out of fear or something else are usually plagued by emptiness and depression. This is another reason why I don't like therapy at times. I think it can perpetuate a Neverneverland idea about remaining a child to be looked after by professionals forever. And even though people in that state are almost always miserable, they also cling to it because of the promise of something that might feel good. All these fantasies about therapists being people's mothers and fathers, etc. That's no accident, and it will never happen. All it does is trap the client in a juvenile mindset, sometimes well into the twilight years of their lives.
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Dawntreader, it's a good thought. Despite the depression I do maintain a busy life, and have many responsibilities. I'm a medical student (graduating in June). I take care of other people all day long, and also do a lot of political activism. My relationships with my friends are mutual--I take care of them when they are sick or sad, and they take care of me when I need it too. (Med school is stressful; we have no shortage of opportunities to take care of each other!)
But I think there's something about still being a student at age 28 plus being the only child of two very clingy parents that keeps me in a kind of juvenile state. I am very competent in my professional life, but I don't think that I bring a lot of emotional maturity to my personal relationships outside of the hospital. I still have a deep-seated wish that a magical parental figure will swoop in and make everything better, even though intellectually I know that this can't happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawntreader
Is there something in your life you could do for someone else? Is there a meaningful task you could undertake which you would have to work at, and would make a difference? Even the smallest things, if built on, make a difference.
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I feel like I do make a difference, every day. I sit down with my sick patients and talk about their pets to help them remember what they have to live for, explain to family members what's going on with their loved ones, hold my pateints' hands as they are dying. I call my senators and organize rallies. I help my friends with their projects and talk with them about their boyfriend problems. And yet I continue to feel a gaping hole in the center of my chest.
Do you have any additional suggestions about how to get myself out of this hole?