I missed my new pdoc appointment and getting a new t on Tuesday. That's if they take me after my no call no show last Tuesday. I don't know if I care. I only see t and pdoc about once every 2 months or so. It causes a lot of anxiety having appointments spaced out that far. It's like I forget they're nice. Maybe I'm Paranoid of them. Idk, I know I need treatment at the very least to keep my ssi. I think that I'm stable but still not well. I'm not on my ap it starts desolving in my mouth and tastes really, really bad. I'm worried the new pdoc will take away my desolving Lamictal or up it considerably. I can't deny I'm a lot better than 2 years ago. I sit there quietly in therapy because I have nothing to say. If I do say anything it's taken like a crisis. Maybe this new therapist will be better. Maybe I'm not as f'd up as I seem. How do you tell a normal person your intrusive thoughts and thing’s they've deemed voices are comfortable to me. I have such mixed feelings about missing Tuesday and the consequences. I'm thinking about going back to my old clinic. Their therapists weren't that good and your pdoc changed often but at least there's availability. But then again what if I don't need it. Maybe I just have acute psychosis and just need the help of the psych ward every couple of years. No real long term treatment team. Idk, I don't even know who to talk to about this. I use to be really good at showing up to every appointment even if I saw no point. Now I'm not keeping track of appointments and see no point in therapy. My old, old therapist use to be really helpful when I wanted to say f it and walk away but I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. Idk I want to walk away for good but when life gets hard I always reach for meds and therapy. I know I'm not depressed. Just anxiety and paranoia.