On Saturday, I gave T my paper on erotic transference that I had written for human sexuality class. Today, not only had he already read the entire thing, but he underlined the parts that he thought were most significant. Incredible.

We were talking about this one part in the paper in which I had stated that early termination can result from patients who have needs that cannot be fulfilled, that result from the erotic transference.

T and I were talking about how that related to me. I was telling him how the need becomes so great, yet so painful because it cannot be fulfilled in the ways I want. Then he says, "Need for what?" I said, "For a %#@&#! pineapple-- what do you think??" We started laughing and I told him to stop asking questions with an obvious answer that he knows I don't want to say.

He told me that he wants me to understand that I don't need a crisis reason to call him. I told him how I always feel as though something bad has to happen to explain the reasons why I want to be with him or call him. I told him how when growing up the only time I got real attention from my mother was when something was wrong because she had such bad anxiety-- so if something was wrong she'd be all over me. He told me that wasn't the case here, and that I could call just to tell him something. He said that it might even be healthy for me to do that. Then he said same goes for coming 2x per week-- I don't have to do anything to "prove" that I need it. (He is referring to my SI because I have been known to do it just to sort of sabatoge wellness or give a reason for needing more help).

Then he told me that I don't have to be afraid to get better because our therapy does not have a time limit on it. It is not measurable. He said that it doesn't matter what state of wellness I reach-- there are always things to explore.

I asked him if I scared him away or pushed him away after telling him about the erotic transference stuff. He said, "Do you think I would have scheduled this extra session with you and do you think we would be talking about two sessions per week if you did that?" Good point, T.

I think I love him again. This week.