I just had one of those times when the light bulb slowly went on and now I am feeling really stupid but kind of OK at the same time.

I went to therapy today and at some point I spoke about the above situation. And T said in kind of a matter of fact way, 'Sounds like your husband is really good at making people feel bad.' '"When you feel bad, get off his back, and he does what he wants.' He gets what he wants and you ... your wants are pushed aside.
Bastard...