Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
No taking drugs, no SH today. Just feeling down. I accept it is what it is. I feel the pain. My body surges, the rage running through my veins, sadness fills my heart.
I told my h I'm not going out with him tonight to his company's party. Yet another time he's gone stag due to us being so unhappy together. Someone even made a comment that he always goes alone. I don't care anymore.
He gave me a down frown.
I said 'don't act so sad, your actions (inactions) caused it.'
I can, at least, control that I am not self harming and that is a huge improvement and a goal I set for myself.
I can't control how others act towards me. I can only react. Well I'm reacting. I'm sad and angry. I am staying home and wallowing in it.
You can't make someone treat you how you want to be treated. You can only take care of yourself.
|
I hope you feel better this morning.
It is going to be good for you to take VERY long break from your mom. You obviously have put up with so much because you just love her but she hurts you over and over.
You have described your problems with your H but your explanations leave me wondering if he is really the problem. When I get angry at my H, it also effects the way he responds to me and then his response can make me even angrier. The result sometimes for us is that we can't stand each other and at the point in my marriage prior to my attempt, I started wondering if I had ever really loved him.
I am sure your H also has some hard feelings about dealing with your depression, anxiety and anger but still seems to be committed to staying with you. You are very vulnerable right now and still have a lot that you are trying to heal from. You are going to recover from this. So long as your H is trying to stay together, maybe don't make any decisions until you stabilize your depression and anger about all that you have suffered from in your life? Maybe process some deep issues from your childhood before evaluating your marriage? Hopefully, your H will give you some more space/time to do this.
<<<hugs>>>