Okay... gonna try this again.

Part of what makes me think that this could either be someone else inside or me having to come to terms with the idea that I do feel and just suppress them on automatic... eh... I am not the only one in my head right now dealing with this stuff so I know someone somewhere in here must be feeling something. More than a few of us have been flooded with unfamiliar emotions about what seem to be new memories. It seems sensible to think we are going to be getting to know someone else inside a little better soon... that might be what we are doing now. I dunno. Then I have to wonder to if this is just me having an emotional reaction to those new memories because while they are different than memories I hold and feel as though are mine, the general idea is the same to me... not so great stuff happening, people reacting poorly to events happening and to me... and me reacting poorly as a result of general crappiness all around.

I think I am still overreacting to all of this and will be able to see it more clearly once the metaphorical dust has settled a bit more in my brain. This stuff shook me right on up. Not trying to downplay my reaction here... it is just that I know I don't think clearly when I get flooded with emotion. That's reality. My thoughts get way distorted and little things seem giant and I get lost in it all. I don't even know how to be comfortable feeling happy, or if I can feel happy. Nothing is my idea comfort zone where feeling is concerned. No elevated heart rate, no sped up thinking, I just like to feel nothing. I need to learn some new coping techniques to deal with the new feel of this... regardless of what this is. Three years ago, I was effectively using some coping skills picked up and practiced by the previous few who were living life. Right now I can barely remember to use those or if I am remembering them all or if I do remember all the learned skills and they are just not working for this or working for me. I've been on airhead mode for at least a week now... can't seem to get things to stick in my head for too long. Maybe it's as simple as what worked for them just doesn't work for me in this case. They did have a better grasp on emotion than I did. Meh.

This whole thing is so weird to me. I'm trying to be positive about it though. Who knows, maybe after all is said and done, I'll have a better understanding of emotion just from having to live through this. If nothing else, at least I have a more realistic understanding of what my life was like as a teenager...

Thank you all again. I'm the only person in my reality who has things like this happen... one second okay, the next not at all, then fine again. Not that I want people to have to deal with that, it is nice when someone else can relate. You all are awesomeness.

-V