Hello LovelyChantel,

hope I'm not too late and that you are still reading here in the PC-forums.

I totally can relate to the fundamentalis/almost-fundamentalist christian upbringing. For me it definitely did more harm than good and I'm still battling with the fallouts from my childhood. I went to a state school and I think this was my luck since I learned there to think for myself and to overcome the dogmas and threats of hell and eternal damnation from my childhood.

The main thing I'm fighting with to this day (I've left the church and all things religious 25 years ago) is a deep and profound lack of a sense of self. From early on I was so indoctrinated with "god's will" and taught that life is not about me or my desires, so I never learnt to recognize what are *my* feelings, what are *my* desires or *my* needs. I never learnt that my needs can be totally legitimate but always heard that it is bad if I focus on my needs and desires. Needless to say, I still have a hard time standing up for myself and what I want/need, especially in situations that are conflict-ridden.

But ultimately, things do get better, 25 years ago I wouldn't have dared to dream that I would come this far and actually be able to enjoy life and myself.

What really helped me was a book my Marlene Winell "Leaving the Fold" - it is a self-help book for people who left their (christian) fundamentalist faith. Winell herself has been brought up my fundamentalist missionaries so her own experiences and reflections on recovery are very hands-on. For me it was so helpful that she analyzied and systematized the things/emotions that I had been struggling with for so long, and that left me with the feelings that I was going 'totally crazy'... Reading the book made me realize that I am not alone on this painful journey, that my struggles with guilt and shame are normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

I even lend the book to my therapist, which was helpful, since it gave her a reference to the mindset I had grown up in. And I didn't have to explain everything right from scratch.

We (T and I) did a lot of the exercises together, or I did them as homework and the next sessions we talked about it. For me it was good that I had a place where I could process all the painful feelings and the regrets and the grief that came up when doing all those exercisis...

I'm glad to hear that you found a good therapist who is specialised in trauma work. Winell has written some articles on "religious trauma syndrome" - do look them up if you havent read them already.

I can also relate to your ambivalences towards your parents. I feel them too. I believe that my parents ultimately did their best, that they wanted my best (get saved and have eternal life...), can I blame them that what I think is best for me isn't what they intended? Yet at the same time, I know they failed me, since they didn't see me as an individual with my very own individual needs, since they didn't take me seriously as an individual... I still havent got the answer to this one...

Anyway, wishing you all the best on the journey to yourself!
Much love, c_r