Shay, I know that you are in trouble and I am concerned for you. I also know how crappy it is to feel powerless, like we have no choices. I wish I knew what to say to you to help. I am here, I care, and I believe you need intensive help right now that you can trust. That said, maybe that is how you can take control? You can find the therapist best suited to you and do research and have ideas about what might be helpful for you. The U.A.s are for weed yes? May