i've always lived in poverty... we didnt have food when i was kid... clothes and stuff...
had to steal and stuff just to survive... so living on disability is much more than i have at the moment or have ever have since i have never been able to work due to these conditions...

but its not something i want to live on for my entire life of course... its just something that could open some doors for me while im trying to recover enough sanity to get my foot in the door to real life...

i do a great deal of reality check all the time, checking myself, checking other people... where i live is really triggering to me because i live with my dad... for numerous reasons its triggering and still would be triggering if he knew how to behave and handle his own emotions... due to the physical abuse and emotional neglect and everything else under the sun that happened when i should of had real parents...

so i think not about the past, try my best to deal with the present... but its hard when everytime you turn around someone is cursing about something stupid... or going over the same thing over and over and over to you when you already know and there is nothing you can do about it but yet they just keep dumping on you... like you are the thread that has held the family together for your entire life anyway and even as an adult you dont get a life of your own because you are just some emotional waste basket that everyone seems to feel the urge to fill...

you know?

currently my dad pays my internet bill... i dont have to pay rent... and he buys cigs for me... thats all i ever get besides the alcohol when i can... and my mom pays for that because she drinks with me sometimes...

i've thought alot about how i would survive on disability and even though i know its not enough to live comfortably its a lot better than what i have now... and will finally issue me some level of independence from the stranged relationships i have with my parents...

i know i drink too much but i cant help it because im losing my mind... already lost it...
im so overwhelmed that i cant handle anything... yet i do, and it pisses me off because i do what i have to do... i end up forgetting everything... what im doing, whats going on during the day... what i did the day... yesterday... dont have a memory of the past, the past week, year, childhood... dont have any good memories... have some bad memories... but i dont like thinking about them... they come up in flashbacks and intruding thoughts...

its just that im so broken... i need help... and im trying to reach out to the doctors before i do end up killing myself on accident or purpose... but i have communication problems... i have a hard time speaking up, its near impossible for me to speak up... speak out... to say something contrary to what the outside world wants to see... to be unpleasant... to be me... i cant just say, im hurting... its so hard... because when i try to say these things i have a smile on this stupid face... and an ability to neatrualize... emotions... feelings... to seem normal... fine... inside im dieing... outside im lying... even though im smiling doesnt mean that im ok... and i dont know how to tell anyone that i have communication problems... that im really really sick.... that if i dont get help soon i may be at serious risk of suicide...

i dont wanna live like this... i cant handle it... im supposed to be an adult... but im just a kid... a really hurting kid...

im trying... i just havent made much progress in the past 6 years and its getting worse... im being consumed by these things inside... and its my hell because i try to reach out but no one can reach me... no one is allowed to talk to me... im not allowed to talk to anyone... so these others just take over and try to do the best they can but its not working because no one has seen me before... not even the therapist... she wants to help i know but i wont let her... im trying to trust her but its hard to feel like any help can be givin becuse no one has ever tried to help before... even when they saw me... i just got in trouble and yelled at or beaten because i was trying to get help... im so tired... so scared of life... 27 years in this hell hole... what a waste you know... someone thats supposed to be smart like me... talented... yet unable to tap into the gifts because of stupid external people locking me in emotional cage...

its not fair... i dunno what else to say... i dont wanna die, but i dont wanna live like this... im so done you know...