im not sure if i can go inside any more.. i feel like i've been exiled, i feel like im shattered like a thousand foot wall of glass
something for everything... not even people.. if i was to conclude i have d.i.d. then i could explain it better... but i dont want to impose nor self diagnose so im trying to stay away from accepting that as true...

how ever it does make the most sense so maybe just to humor anyone...

It's like walking through the ever changing waters of existence, what makes this up? many things... the water will shift and roll over obstacles in its way, pushing forward... because it must go forward, its the law of gravity pulling it; so therefore I am alike the water, pushing, pulling, being shoved, moved, misplaced,replaced... ect ect... according to the obstacles in my way... which are currently many, which I will elaborate on because I need advice with how to deal with this, but I just wanted to point out how its working for me... its so hard writing this with disturbances in the other room... im trying to stay on topic...

*deep breathe*
i dunno if the others are others, or if they are just me, i dont think they are me the worse i feel because they are so different... but there seem to be so many it makes me dizzy to think about... i dont know if i have ever been inside... i dont know if i have ever truly been outside...
im just feeling like this... i dunno... im having a lot of derealization... more than usual... finding myself dissociated in the middle of handling situation with gusto... but hit with my severe depression and having to push inside or away to.... wow distracted mid-sentance ended up playing with the baby.. too much noise >.<

im just feeling really unstable, dissociated, scared, in trouble, overwhelmed

im not sure what i was saying, im having a really hard time
i've definitely been considering going to the hospital, but i had a bad experience the last time i went... was pretty much attacked by a patient i guess... re-traumatizing because he reminded me of my step brother...
so i really don't want to go you know..? i just want to be ok...

dissociating...

sorry im really triggered today has been really difficult... but what am i sayin? everyday is really difficult grrr

tomorow i'm going to ask my therapist if i can email her, the last time i asked someone at the clinic they told me it was against the rules.. but i cant remember who i asked..

if there are insiders, everyone is overwhelmed and its not pretty...

im going to stop writing, i cant do this right now..