I feel bad for you. Nobody should have to go through this sort of emotional pain. If I can offer any advice, it would be to not be so hard on yourself. Everybody has a purpose in their life. Its just not always easy to find. Believe me, I've dealt with depression for a long time in my life, for a long while I didn't know what my reason for living was. Its a hard state to go through but it can be done. Now listen, not wanting to change is normal. It can be difficult to find the courage to make change in your life for yourself, and that's okay. It will hopefully help to treat yourself with more compassion though. You know, treat yourself like how you would treat a close friend/family member if they were in your shoes. More often than not it will make you feel better about yourself.

On one of my posts seeking help, one member on here (apologies I cannot remember the name of them) offered me this article which further explains a way to try and help yourself a little. Hopefully it can help you, even if its just a little bit.

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

Stay strong, because I believe in you