Thanks for the comments folks. So... because of my acute self-awareness.. I can see knowing when I'm going manic. I can see knowing that I'm starting to make bad decisions.. but just don't care maybe. This reminds me of last springs episode when I was making a very bad decision.. I knew it was bad but was compelled. The 'knowing' led to agitation, anxiety and irritability. But at the same time that I knew it was bad.. I was also deluded that it was going to be awesome in the bigger picture and that any problems I created would be worth it. That was before my diagnosis though...