Do I like being like this? Of course not, because it's painful. Do I want to feel happy? Of course, but how? I have never felt happy. Probably I will survive until I die naturally because I don't want to die (we all fear death, don't we?), but my view of life is so negative, and I cannot just pretend that the world is not a miserable place to live in. There is no "recovery" for me from this. The only way to go forward is to distract myself, which I cannot do because I live alone and have no social life or any interests. Had I been distracted the whole time and things worked out with me, probably I wouldn't have thought that much about life and its meaning. Now it's too late to undo this. I don't wish to be part of propagating this misery, I just want to walk slowly (but painfully) my path til the end, where I can take my eternal rest.