And I don't know WHY. I just sent the following in an email to my T, but she won't be able to respond soon and I could really use some help right now if possible. So I'm posting it here:
I can't stop feeling like everything is wrong and I've done something horrible and irreversible. It's eating at me all day and keeping me awake at night. I feel afraid of everything and everyone right now, like I can't do anything and should never even leave my bedroom or attempt to interact at all with the world. Because I'll just screw things up worse. I really want someone to just talk to me and maybe hold me so I can feel like something is ok, but there is nobody to talk to. Besides, I probably sound so crazy and I will make "it" worse if I talk to someone. I don't know what it is, but I feel so screwed up inside the last couple of days. Like I did something just horribly wrong. I keep wanting to do something to fix it, but there is nothing to do that can fix it, because I don't even know what "it" is. I keep apologizing because I keep hoping I can fix whatever it is if I just apologize enough to everyone, everywhere- ya know, like a general apology to the universe for being me. Me- a horrible thing with nothing but badness. I don't know what's wrong, or what to do about it. I feel like NOTHING is ok, and nothing EVER will be ok because something is fundamentally wrong and it's not fixable. And because it's so permanently a part of me, it's just going to get worse and worse the more I try to fix it. But what IS IT, already? It just won't let me be. I feel like I should just give up on everything because I am eternally flawed and cannot cope with that feeling. It is so overwhelming.
What do I do?
If you can, please give me some advice
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Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
~Alanis Morissette
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