I really don't where to put this, so if this is in the wrong place I'm sorry I'm new here.

I have anxiety problems and I was suicidal. Since my last suicide attempt I am turning the suicide feelings into addictions and obsessions. I am 18 and this is becoming frustrating, I feel I am going crazy. But if I don't fulfil this addictions (now turning into obsessions) I can get very very anxious.

It all started some years ago. I had no friends and I made one. He gave me attention, we talked, we laugh. In was the first time since primary school that I had a friend, so I was happy. The problem is: I got the feeling he was gay, so I had to find out. I was already addicted to gay porn (I'm straight by the way) and then he wanted to see my penis. We showed each other (his was very big), we talked about sex and that stuff during a week. Something inside started ringing. At that time I tough I was falling in love with him, but I now realize I was just obsessed. Since I was already addicted to gay porn, it was easy to obsess about him. Then one day he said it was better if we stopped the gay stuff, my anxiety pressed all the buttons (he was my first and only close friend) and I got really bad. Then I tried to kill myself several times, he run away, I lost all my "friends" I made with him (his friends that had become my "friends"). The only thing that calmed me was the gay porn, but now it was more a "hunt". Since then I spend too many time searching for his penis online. Once I found two videos where two boys made sex, one of them had the same body and voice that him. Everyday it gets worse. I feel it getting out of control.
Now he is at university and has a good friend that is gay. I spend large amounts of time watching their moves online because I think they are in love. It got to the point I am most day thinking about it, I feel betrayed because he never let me touch his penis. In my head he is going to make gay stuff with his new friend.

It got so bad that I have a record of people in a book, with detailed information, dates, tastes, likes, dislikes, what they say, personality information, observation, accounts, etc etc. I feel addicted to this kind of control, I feel less anxious. If something gets out of control, if I can't find information about someone I start to get super anxious and almost crying.

I know this is not right, but I can't stop. It calms me.
I am in therapy for anxiety. I don't know what disease I have and the doctors don't want to tell me (we don't like labels, they say). I can't talk about this to them because I am making progress and I want to get out of this therapy thing. I want their approval so I can be free again.

Thank you