Last Friday in my regular appointment with my T she asked me to think about signs that I'm ruminating. I still don't really have an answer, other than I just think about the same things over again, which is kind of the definition of rumination any way, but that's not my point.
My point is I'm tired and I already know the things I should be doing to stop ruminating and make myself feel better. But right now I just can't. Or maybe I don't want to I'm not entirely sure. And I don't know why because I haven't been feeling bad or been "in a hole" recently, but I've been feeling like I can't make myself better for a while. I've been seeing my T for years and if I tell her this I feel like her next question will be "why are you still here then?"
Now I could be wrong, but if I'm not? I like talking to my T even when I am feeling stable in my life. What if this makes her kick me out of therapy? Because I don't want to help myself? What if she gives up on me? If I'm going to be feeling this way, maybe I don't deserve help at all.
And before you say it, yes I know this post in itself is probably me ruminating too, sometimes it just helps to ask other people though.