Ok, I really need to get something off my chest. And maybe you can help me with something.

Until a few years I used to be into voyeurism, although not obsessively and I never actively voyeured anybody, meaning I never used binoculars, cameras or any kind of devices or I never peeped through key holes or anything like that. It was more a kind of not looking the other way when you should, you know.

When I started making progress however about myself and learned more about myself, it started to wear off over the years and by now it is practically gone. However, I would still like to understand what happened and what the deeper meaning behind it might be.

I recently remembered how it all started. I was about 18 years old and by that time I had already seen more than enough nude or topless women on European beaches I even had a girlfriend and I’ve had sex with her by then and obviously had seen her naked many times. That as well was about the peek time of being verbally and emotionally abused by my parents and I was under a lot of pressure and tension.

So, the day came when we went to the local pool on a hot summer day with a couple of people from high school.

Sitting across from me was the „queen of the prom“, a really very beautiful woman with a great body. And she was even very nice, smooth and friendly and despite loving my girlfriend a lot, I secretely admired her. Well, while we were friendly chatting away she rolled down the left strap of her bathing suit to apply sunscreen to her left shoulder. When she was done with it, she put the strap back up. But she used her left hand and yanked it up and in the process of doing that she pulled the bathing suit away from her body and from where I was sitting I could see her left breast for a split second. I hope you can understand what I mean. Now, this shouldn’t have been a big thing, but it was. This just sparked a huge jolt through my whole body. I got extremeley excited about it, but not sexually. It wasn’t sexually arousing at all, but it was a huge rush of adrenaline (or dopamine or I don’t know what). If she had just taken off her top and been topless it wouldn’t have meant much to me. Probably just a „oh nice“, but that’s it. As I said I had seen nude women on beaches and elsewhere before and as teeanage boy of 16-17 you are certainly a bit curious and don’t mind to take a look, but I never got excited about it.

But what happened then and there wasn’t meant to be and it happened totally unexpected and before I could even have a single thought about it, the adrenaline was all over me. Well, after that I guess I was trying to experience this rush again, so I was trying to make this experience again. Like I said, I never crossed any lines, but for instance a few years later on I had a neighbor and she always got up very early in the morning and usually hadn’t closed the curtains of her living room. She would walk through it to get to he shower and back afterwards. She did this sometimes in her underwear, sometimes naked, sometimes wrapped in a towel. Sometimes the lights were off, sometimes on. And there I was sitting behind my curtain in the dark with a pounding heart just waiting if or what I would get to see or not. Again I know it wasn’t the nudity, it wasn’t sexual, I never masturbated on that, it was just pure rush and excitement. I felt very bad, very ashamed about it but I just couldn’t refrain.

Well, later on I learned about addiction and got some idea that this behavior was just a way to alter my mood, to get out of this terrible feelings of internalised shame that had come from my abuse. And then the excitement and the need for excitement started to wear off. By now I would assume that my behavior is more or less normal for a middle aged male. If I get to see something nice, I don’t mind to take an eyeful, but I’m not really looking for it.

Can anybody relate to this ? And does anybody have an idea about WHAT the excitement was really about ?

Well, thanks for „listening“ and I hope you don't blame me too much.