Before I'd ever heard step one, I found myself staring at an eight ball (coke) desperate for another line but knowing that I was ignoring my life. If I did that line I'd be up all night doing coke, I'd miss more work, and I continue to fall apart physically. That and I was more or less bankrupt by this point. I had so many secrets and told so many lies. I told myself I had to maintain control over this...And then I did the line anyway.

A week later I flushed my drugs down the toilet as I knew if it were there, I could not stop myself from using. Again, the drug had the power and not me. With the image of cocaine dissolving in toilet water seared into my brain (I can still see it to this day) I took a flight to Chicago to stay with a friend.

I had to leave town because I knew that if there were dealers that I knew, I could get more drugs. And if I could get more drugs, I would use them. Because I had no conrol over it.

I was drunk the whole time in Chicago but it did keep me off the coke (I also couldn't tell you if all the puking was from being too drunk or coke withdrawal...no idea).

To this day I know that if the cocaine is present, I'll use. That's why I can never be around it. If I see it, I must run. Because I have no control over it.

As for alcohol, it's never been my drug of choice but if I use it, you bet I wont stop and I'll be on the phone trying to score something stronger. Because for me it's all or nothing and it rips my life to shreds.

Cyran0