Hello Accord2: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm not sure what to tell you about this. The way people typically deal with these sorts of things is via mental health therapy & / or psych medications. But you mentioned, in your introductory post that you hate your doctors. And in this post you wrote that you can't talk with them about this because you're making progress & you want to get out of therapy. I'm not sure what kind of progress it is you think you're making when you have all of this sexuality-related anxiety, compulsions & obsessions going on. Yes, you may be making some progress "tinkering around the edges", so to speak. But, from what you've written, it sounds as though you're still carrying the 800 pound gorilla around on your back.

There aren't any magical answers here... some secret technique you haven't heard of that's going to make what you're struggling with disappear. If you could simply (& honestly) accept things as they are & say: "hey... I like gay porn & I had this friendship with this guy, but now he's gone, & I'm genuinely okay with it all, etc." then you could just be cool with it all... no big deal... no sweat. But from what you wrote it sounds as though you can't do that. All of this is causing you huge amounts of anxiety to the point where you feel out of control & you've been suicidal. Perhaps you still are? That being the case, being honest & forthright with your mental health professionals & starting to work with them on this is really the way to go... perhaps the only way for you to go. If you dislike the mental health professionals you're working with, then it's important to find others you do like. (Preferably they should be professionals who have experience working with sexuality-related addictions. That's important. My personal opinion is that professionals who do not can do more harm than good.)

As far as the disease / label question goes... my personal opinion is that this is really a "side issue". Yes it might help you to feel better if your doctor would give you a label. But it really doesn't change anything. And, in fact, mental health professionals often don't even agree with regard to patients' diagnoses. Every mental health professional I've ever seen has had a little different idea with regard to what's going on with me. In the end, it's just that particular professional's opinion of where you fit in, in terms of the various diagnoses that are listed in the DSM. Sometimes having a clearer perspective with regard to a person's diagnosis can, I guess, be helpful in terms of knowing which psych med's may potentially be of benefit. But having your doctor give you a label isn't going to make what you're struggling with go away.

Anyway... I'm sorry you are in the throes of such a difficult struggle. I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity disorder myself. So I have some sense of how excruciatingly difficult human sexuality struggles can be. I wish you well...