For me, I could see that I powerless over alcohol. I knew that once I had the first drink, I wouldn't stop until I puked so I could drink more, and then pass out. I knew that things I never planned happened when I drank, I knew that I'd wake up with strange bruises and strange men. The powerlessness wasn't hard to see.

But I couldn't quite see where my life was unmanageable. I had an apartment and a job and even a car. A beat up old car, but a car nontheless. I thought I had to loose everything to be an alcoholic.

I heard stories in meetings about getting DUI's, killing people, loosing kids husband's wives etc. I hadn't gotten a DUI, never went to jail, never killed anyone, never lost a husband that I cared to keep. I never lost anything important because I didn't really have anything. But I did loose a guy, a guy who I dated in high school, who I had always loved and who I had gotten back, and who left me because I was a terrible person when I drank.

I lost me. I lost any close relationship with my family. I lost my dignity. I would have lost my job, I'm sure of that. I would have gotten a DUI, I'm sure of that. What started as the "that never happened to me" became YET. I know all that stuff was waiting for me right around the corner. What I did get when I was drinking was constantly being broke, a relationship with a bottle only, and an STD. Yay what a life.

The best part about the first step is the very first word - WE. WE admitted WE were powerless, that OUR lives had become unmanageable. WE don't have to do this alone, and that to me is the best part of the first step.

My first sponsor (I'm one who does the whole meeting thing, so I got a sponsor in my first week of sobriety) had me write down all the times I was powerless over alcohol. What a list. I still have it. If I ever doubt I'm an alcoholic, all I have to do is look at that list. I share it with girls I sponsor too, so they know they're not alone. Maybe I'll share it here sometime.

I've been told the first step is the only step I must do perfectly. What that means to me is, I need to know in my heart of hearts that I can't have the first drink. The first drink will always get me drunk, not the tenth. I have to know that, just for today, I can't drink. I've strung together all my sober days by putting them together, one day at a time, and by doing a first step every day.