I cannot but think about all of this. Sometimes I create scenarios and talk to myself where I blame them for all they have done to me, and I get angry and frustrated. They were there for me to feed me and take care of me physically, but emotionally they were unavailable and actually aggressive. I was yelled and ridiculed in front of others. I was criticized all the time. I was physically beaten. My dad wished if I was dead. I cannot forget all of that. These are ingrained memories in my brain. Very vivid ones. In my mind the only way to be healed of this is to cut them off from my life completely, but then I feel guilty for thinking that way, and if I can live with the guilt of cutting them off. I'm trapped between feeling indignant and feeling guilty.