Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger
I cannot but think about all of this. Sometimes I create scenarios and talk to myself where I blame them for all they have done to me, and I get angry and frustrated. They were there for me to feed me and take care of me physically, but emotionally they were unavailable and actually aggressive. I was yelled and ridiculed in front of others. I was criticized all the time. I was physically beaten. My dad wished if I was dead. I cannot forget all of that. These are ingrained memories in my brain. Very vivid ones. In my mind the only way to be healed of this is to cut them off from my life completely, but then I feel guilty for thinking that way, and if I can live with the guilt of cutting them off. I'm trapped between feeling indignant and feeling guilty.
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I think you have gotten to a point in your life where you have become more aware of how the "neglect" you faced from your parents has hurt you.
Now, with your adult mind it's time for you to understand how your parent's behavior is really more about "them" than you. Truth is a lot of parents genuinely had/have no idea how to actually "be" parents and what "nurturing" really means. That is evident when you talk about providing a roof over your head and food on the table. Sadly, a lot of parents believe their job is disciplining the child and the child is "expected" to do certain things. They don't understand what "nurturing" and making sure a child knows he/she is loved. And a big part of that is "unconditional love" too.
I don't think that letter you wrote would benefit you from what you have described of your parents if you sent it to them. They never had the ability to see whatever they did wrong, instead from what you have described they only saw what they felt "your" wrongs were.
One day I was sitting next to a man who was supposed to "teach" children how to ride. A young girl was in the ring having a lesson and she was a "real" beginner, no experience. He got snotty about it and said, see that girl she can't ride for crap. Well, if she could she would not be looking to learn, and he would not be there teaching. That man had no business teaching, just like a lot of people have no business being a parent/parents.
I don't know how old you are, but it was not all that long ago that a lot of parents had no idea, no knowledge about child development. Actually,because I am around a lot of parents and families in what I do as a business, I take time to ask certain questions and STILL I find a lot of parents who have no idea about child development.
For myself, I read every book I could get my hands on so I made sure I was doing right by my child, part of which was making sure she knew she was loved unconditionally.