We must, at times, seem insensitive to the enormity of what you are going through. I, for one, want to apologize for doing that. If you could easily get over her and move on, then that would mean you weren't all that invested in this marriage. It's becoming even more clear that you truly went into this union for the long haul. I'm very touched that you see terminating your marriage as an absolute last resort. More people should go into marriage with that mindset. It would be a better country, if that were the case.

I guess we contributors to this thread are so appalled at the impression that we have of your wife that we want you to not lament loosing her. You need to grieve this and go through all the stages of grief - one of which is difficulty accepting that this is even happening. Take all the time you need. There's no law says you have to file for divorce now. I know a man who waited five years to get divorced, despite having moved on to a new woman. Just be sure and get sufficient legal counsel to protect your interests. If you want to leave it to her to file, I see nothing wrong with that. Just have an attorney advise you about any repurcussions of doing or not doing anything . . . especially as it effects your finances and the kids.

As far as your wife being good friends with other men . . . . I have profound doubt about her capacity for friendship. I think you've been pretty straight with us, even trying to blame yourself and you being away for the collapse of this marriage. Half of all marriages do end. There just seems to be so many indications that your wife has not been a stand-up person in how she has handled everything pertaining to her separating from you. Any woman, or man, has a right to decide that their marriage was a mistake and that they need out. But there are ways of going about it that show one is an adult. And decent women don't look to emotionally demolish the man who is father to their children. So we feel bad for what you are going through. Your wife seems to have a major flaw in her character. These "friendships" that she is striking up may be more superficial than you are in a position to know. What kind of guy sees nothing wrong in a woman whose husband is deployed running around like she's been doing? These guys she's been connecting with must be of a mentality that I don't even want to conjecture about. It may seem like she's having a ball for herself right now. However, nothing about how she operates is what it takes to lay the groundwork for real friendship. So don't assume that she has something wonderful going on. She's building on sand, IMHO. It may seem like she's got it all going on. But hardtimes come along for everyone. Sooner or later, the unexpected happens. That's the one thing we can all depend on.

But you don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with. No need for a rush in any direction. Those kids seem to trust you. They tell you things. I don't think that Mom is as tight with those kids as she claims to be. They are looking for who they can depend on. You be that person, however things go with the marriage.