I've always had a short fuse and hot temper. Over the years I've gotten good at avoiding things that piss me off, and isolating to self-soothe when I DO get mad. But ever since I went off meds in December, the rage has gotten worse.

Like right now. I don't know why I got so mad, I'm just very frustrated and stressed with being unemployed. I live in a small farm town with limited job opportunities. Unfortunately I'm living with my parents cause, at the brink of bankruptcy, it's either here or homelessness. My car was repossessed yesterday, now I can't leave the house unless I'm willing to walk in the snow and cold.

I can't imagine getting a "customer service" job, which means my options are slim to none. No matter what, I can't do anything until I get a new car. Fortunately (for once) I'm getting a decent tax return so I'll be able to start car shopping soon.

Then what? Bag groceries with teenagers for minimum wage? My rage scares me. I'm so afraid that someone will set me off at work and I'll get into a fight, end up in either hospital or prison.

I'm waiting to hear from Obamacare, so far it's been weeks of false alarms and "we need more information" letters. I'm so !@#$%^&* aggravated I can't even describe it. I know I need a new PDoc and T, and back on meds. But until I get health insurance, I can't do anything.

So...where do I go from here? Even after I start meds again, it could take up to 6 weeks or more to get back to where I was before. How the hell am I gonna keep a job when my mood swings are so... violent and disorienting?? A few people have suggested I look into SSI/SSDI. I've worked for the last 6 years straight and my medical records would probably make me qualify.

But for now, I'm just locked in my bedroom 20/24 hours a day, trying to keep my head together. I know it's all in my head, which just makes it worse! As soon as I realize my emotions are irrational, I launch in the opposite direction and start beating myself up! So I swing from seeing-red-blood-boiling to... "I hate myself and just wish life were over already".

I can't keep up with my own mood swings. I'm lost and exhausted and honestly very close to just giving up. I don't even know what that would look like, but I can promise it wouldn't be pretty. I've had my struggles with alcoholism and painkillers, I don't wanna go back down that road.

What do I do??