It's been a while since I've posted anything here. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I can feel myself getting down again. I don't have insurance for medical right now and I've moved to a new state recently so I don't know anyone here at all. This whole being aware of everything or mindfulness stuff sucks because I feel like I may be becoming mixed, which I seem to go into more often than just one side, but I don't know what's real and what's not. I can't tell what I really feel from what the bipolar wants me to feel and I have the tendency to be paranoid delusional at times. For instance lately I've been feeling like an inconvenience to everyone or that no one cares. My husband thinks overreacting but I truly feel that I have no real friends. I have a few friends that come see me but only when they need their hair done, I'm a stylist. Other than that they don't come. I've just been feeling so alone since moving and my husbands new job and me not working. The only adult I conversate with is my husband when he's home other than that it's 4 kids under 7. All I think about all day are possible small businesses or things I could make just to do something. Starting to do that thing again we I online shop and fill my cart up with a bunch of stuff but don't buy it. I know that's bad because it eventually leads to buying. I just can't tell which stuff is real and what's just delusional thinking. Sometimes I feel like I was better off not knowing I was bipolar, at least I didn't have to think about whether or not my feelings are reality.