i have hard time understanding what life could be, i've always been in a trauma type situation...
its scary to think to experience something new

people wanting to help me... is scary.... no one ever want to help me...
im supposed to be super man, i cant though

so now im faced with big delima... go outside the cage... for prolonged period....
be treated... hopefully by competent peoples.... for a long time... sober...!...
so many big steps.... im so scared....
makes me cry because i have to leave my niece... and i scared about her care and want her to be ok but my therapist says im stuck in this parent mode.... from where i had to take care of things and be lke a parent when i was little...

i just am scared of being hurt... if i go through with this and it works thats awesome...
but i go through with it and it fails... someone hurts me... attacks me.... its going to fail... and then for ever will it be burned into this stupid mind....

but i try to tell me self that maybe it can bea good experience.... fun.... meet some nice people.... but i am pulled.... part of me hates meeting people.... other is like hey, whatsup, what goin on, you doin aight? and im just like the f*8*8

so going places like this is hard... im scared... no one has ever reallly seen how sick i am... if they see how bad it is im scared of what they will do...
im such a good actor... it just takes so much out of me to do those things...
if it comes to where i feel trapped... i just go into a different mode...
this mode will get me out of the situation asap, efficiently, clean, and without many reprecusions... no problems reported kind of thing....

so how do i get help when people trigger this stuff in me all the time...?
like the last time i was inpatient...
i just want ... i dunno what i want... or what i need... i never have... i never been allowed to want or need.... so how am i supposed to know.... i hate this.....