1. We admitted we were powerless over drugs - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I replace alcohol with drugs. I consider alcohol to be a drug. When I say addict I include alcoholics. Although I would take about any drug, my drug of choice was crack and then alcohol.

At one point in time I was very much opposed to the whole notion of me or anybody else being powerless over drugs. It was a choice, right? Everybody has a choice about whether or not they want to use and how much they want to use. Claiming powerlessness meant you were just not accepting responsibility for your own decision. However, my inability to control my own drug use and watching other members of my family obviously unable to control their drug use has taught me that addicts truly are powerless when it comes to drugs.

What father or mother is going to willingly choose drugs over their children’s needs, love and safety? Why would I willingly smoke something that I knew was ruining my life and might kill me? Why would I trade my body for a cheap 10 minute high? When I was in the grips of addiction, I simply could not say no. I was spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically compelled to use.

My first run on drugs led me to prostitution. I did whatever I had to do to get drugs. I don’t care what you say, there is no way I would ever willingly choose to degrade myself in such a manner. Later in life, I managed to pull myself together, get through school and get a job, but I made the mistake of thinking I could do just a little coke. That bout with crack just about cost me my life.

It is obvious that your life is unmanageable when another person is holding you at gun point and the only thing you can think of is hiding the crack in your pocket so they don’t take it and your money. It is obvious your life is unmanageable when you are sitting in a crack house at 5 AM, knowing you have to be at work in a couple hours, but still buying more crack. It is obvious your life is unmanageable when you drink so much you are unable to make it to the bathroom. It is obvious your life is unmanageable when you sit with a drink in one hand and a loaded shot gun in your lap trying to decide if tonight is the night to stop the misery once and for all.

The choice I have today is whether or not I want to stay in recovery. For me, staying in recovery means I can’t be around crack. If somebody handed me a pipe, I would not be able to turn it down. I know this about myself—I know I am completely powerless over crack—I choose to stay in recovery by not putting myself in that situation. Over the last couple years I have been growing more comfortable around other people when they drink. However, I know if I pick up that first drink, I will not be able to predict when and if I will ever stop. Today, I have a choice and I choose to stay sober—I choose life.