I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.

Have you come across Compasionate Mind?

It is a way of using mindfulness type exercises to build self compassion (sounds weedy and strange to some people, but some of us haven't learned how to soothe ourselves and help ourselves feel more as if we would have felt if we had had nurturing and compassion from others.

It is a way of finding wellbeing through "self compassion" when circumstances make it hard to feel wellbeing through self esteem. And to recharge and recover from the drain of living in threat mode or drive.
There is research to support the theory and it's a bit complicated to describe in a post, but something you said made me just think of it.

Most of the exercises and material is free to access as Paul Gilbert, a psychologist who has studied it in detail wants as many as possible to benefit.

There are quite a few videos on utube which may be more accessible, but this link could be a start.

The Compassionate Mind Foundation

Just an idea, I have done a course to start to learn how to use it and have felt a benefit.
Good luck