A psychiatrist has mentioned i may have a problem called borderline personality disorder. I didn't really know what this was so i've had a look around and although i can relate to some of the aspects, i can't to all of them. I don't know what to think - which is probably why i am writing this, trying to sort out my thoughts as i go along. Sure i have always known that i fear deeply rejection from anyone, and do frantically do masses to avoid that happening by usually doing all i can to please someone, and then i do become totally disappointed and angry when that person i invested in does not meet my expectations but i don't think this means i cannot maintain relationships. I have some great friends and i get on well with my family! From reading the website he gave me, i feel if i do have this illness it is my fault - my personality flaw

Here's the diagnostic criteria:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - well only as i have mentioned above

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - ok people can go quickly down in my estimations if they do something wrong or don't meet my expectations but i think that's normal - don't you?? Plus i have high expectations for myself - if anything i put myself under more pressure than i do others. I think i'm a very loyal person but there is a pt where everyone says 'no more' right??

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - ok so yeh i have often said i don't know who i am - becoming dr Jekyll one minute and mr hyde the next etc...and not knowing what i want, what my values are, about my beliefs

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) - i know i don't do this, if i'm depressed maybe i'll treat myself but it is definitely not self-damaging!

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour - well ok...i do that.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) - i guess i have said my biggest problem is not knowing how i feel one minute to the next in the past...but i'm confused to what affective instability and marked reactivity mean so who knows.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - yeh i feel this at times

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - i don't fight with people, fighting really scares me, i can be passionate but i do not fight! - i do get angry sometimes completely at random but i put it inside me and do not know how to deal with it which is sometimes why i cut

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms - well sometimes i do feel disconnect from reality, like i am floating outside my body watching myself, or that 'myself' doesn't quite reach my fingertips...i have suggested this feels as though i'm ghost like and i want to connect the 2 parts of me

But still - i don't know what to think - i don't think i want this diagnosis it sounds scary!!