it is amazing what your mind can get upto when given too much time alone ... when you wonder is it my mind trying to readjust to a lower dose ... or is this really me ... when you want out ... but am too afraid of failure again ... poured out those little bottles and counted tonight ... 160mg of xanex ... to bad I don't drink ... that might just be dangerous .... so much fear of damage and being on tubes and machines ... it is our life should it not be our choice of time ... would it not serve humanity better to lessen the drag on resources ... I have never understood why we will move heaven and earth to "save" an attempt or an od but then drop them like a hot potato the instant they are breathing again ... we do them no favor ... no one knows a persons limit except that person ... should we not respect that ...

it is so sad to base your life on another , esp one that it is impossible to touch , meet or even converse with ... to live for food ... to break down life to periods of fitful sleep interupted by unbearable days of lonelyness and waste ... to mearly wait for release ... in natures own good time ...

tomorrow we try gg again ... how shallow i feel ... but at least they make me feel something ... though not as much and not as long as before ... need a higher dose ... but there is none ... feel like the life line is slipping thru my hands ... and I do not see a knot at the end of the rope ...

the strong die once ... cowards like me die every night ... only to awaken every morning just a little less of myself ... given enough time I may just disappear completely ... what a thought ... Tigger.

ps: sleep well my friends ... I love you I really do ... if only I could love myself as much ...

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