Over the last two months I have been seeing my ex-husband on a regular basis after he broke up with his girlfriend (that he got with a couple of years after we broke up). It was my hope that we would get back together but i was taking it slowly, making sure we were not going to repeat the same mistakes. He has Bipolar too so our marriage was very complicated, but also very passionate and full of love. In the end we parted because I was unable to cope with his lack of insight and inability to communicate and he left me because I was too much to handle. He drove me crazy with his refusal to seek help together and work on our marriage. I loved him dearly and still do but had to let him go to save myself.

Last night he told me he is getting back with his girlfriend. I was shocked. We had only slept to together recently and he said goodbye with a long hug and a passionate kiss. I finally told him the depths of my feelings and he was shocked. He hadn't realised that I cared for him so much even though it was obvious and I had told him so on at least two occasions. I was waiting for him to show he had changed and last night he did. He apologised for all the hurt he caused me and told me how much it grieves him. That was all I had ever wanted but now it is too late. He is back with his girlfriend.

He asked if I wanted him back and I said yes. This causes him great confusion as he didn't know what to do as he loves me still but cares for her too. In the end he was leaning towards going back to her and told me to move on with my life. My heart is broken, all over again. I hadn't realised how deeply I still loved him and wanted him back.

Last night I hardly slept and I drank a lot of beer. Today I had to work and only got through with the help of Abilify and Clonazepam. I was already in a fragile place mentally and this has thrown me. I want to scream, smash things, drive my car off a cliff and generally self destruct. But I don't have time to lose it. I have a busy workload with university and work. My feet are slipping. After being deeply hurt by my pdoc recently, and having a history of being abused and mistreated this is another blow. I am trying to calm myself and see this is a positive light, like maybe it is for the best. But it isn't working. I am overwhelmed and heartbroken.

Sorry for the rant. i haven't talked to anyone about this yet and needed to get it off my chest.