Self-Preservation vs Responsibility to Parents

I'm new to this forum, so I apologize in advance if I type anything that offends or do not use expected terms for my post. That said, I need help, and informed opinions.

I am an adult survivor of childhood abuse, of all varieties. I believe that my father perpetrated the sexual abuse due to fragmented memories, including unexplainable fear in his presence during early childhood, his behavior when accused, and enduring creepy vibes I got for years afterward. The vibes weren't so much sexual as completely unfeeling, and detached. The sexual abuse from my father ceased after I told, and his other treatment of me was indulging and full of praise, yet often lacking genuine intimacy, because I don't know if he was capable of really being fully truthful and vulnerable with anyone.

However, my mother started emotionally abusing me, and borderline physically abusing me from around the time I confessed to her about the sexual abuse. On the surface, my life seemed perfect, I was doted upon and indulged. In reality, my mother's attachment to me bordered on fixation, and I was under constant scrutiny for any flaw, especially signs of promiscuity. As a young child, aged 3-6 or 7 years old, I masturbated, and was soundly spanked for every infraction, even perceived. The lengths my mother used to "catch" me in the act were odd, sick, and somewhat perverse in my opinion.

I was also spanked by my mother for every other infraction as well, until about age of 9 or 10 years old, always nude or nude from the waist down, usually with a belt, brush, comb, or whatever could inflict the most pain without leaving obvious marks. One time, when I was 12 or 13, my mother caught me talking on the phone to a boy, and beat me so viciously that I was covered in burgundy welts and bruises on my torso, back, bottom, arms and legs. It was summertime, and she made me wear pants and turtlenecks until the marks faded.

My masturbation and the resulting punishments were concealed from my father, as were most of my other spankings. My father never spanked me, and was usually very lenient with me, but kicked me once in anger around 4 or five years old, and choked me out of anger when I was 18. The choking incident was instigated by my mother, her control over me was waning, so she told my father I was spending nights at my boyfriend's house, and then she left, leaving us to argue, and my father almost killed me. Shortly afterward, I moved in with my maternal aunt. My relationship with my father stayed close, but my mother disowned me. After about 18 months, I got pregnant, so I could no longer live with my aunt, so I asked my father if I could come home, and he readily agreed to let me stay and helped me out with finances while I found a full-time job and looked for a place. My mother vehemently encouraged him to throw me in the street, and only relented after she learned I was pregnant. My mother planned to raise my child, being that she was a housewife. Motherhood was her claim to fame.

However, my father was having an affair, in retrospect, one of many, and my mother found proof. She called me bawling and asked me to come home and put my father out of the house. I bought into her outrage and victimhood, and did just that. My father left, and has made a mess of his life, with his current wife (former mistress) and an adopted child. I gave up my relationship with my father, because he insisted I accept and have a life with my stepmother as well.

My mother owned being a victim, even twenty years after her divorce, somewhat legitimately, but also self-centered and with subtle narcissism. My mother always emphasized that I owed her a debt for her preventing further sexual abuse. My mother also told me I was responsible for helping to support her financially since my father had left. I stayed until my oldest daughter was almost two years old, but left due to the continued emotional, and threatened physical abuse. My mother also undermined with my daughter, and purposefully humiliated me in front of a boyfriend.

All of that was almost twenty years ago, and I have made
a good life for myself despite a few setbacks, including an abusive marriage, pending divorce.

Over the years, my mother's communication and attachment with me has bordered on stalking, but when I set firm boundaries, or cut off contact for a while, she improves. She abhors anyone I have a close relationship with, and insinuates any meaningful relationship I have with a non-family member is unhealthy, abusive, or has sexual undertones, even when the relationship is platonic or almost familial in nature.

My mother's contempt for me escalated when I became engaged, and married. She condemned me and searched for something wrong with my spouse, with the encouragement of my god-sister. My sister and I have always had a one-sided rivalry, as we were compared a lot and she took it personally. I tried my best to ignore it. That being said, by puberty, my sister and I's relationship fluctuated between best friends, and distance. She has gossiped with my mother about me to make herself look better, and my mother maligns me to her and the rest of the family out of spite. They also share similar religious beliefs, I chose a more mainstream view of Christianity, and that is another thing I remain a pariah for with my mother and the people close to her.

Okay, I could go on forever, but I think I have painted a good picture of my background with my mother. During the past year, my mother has been trying my boundaries and being more controlling. She started by insulting my appearance, but I let her know I like how I look, she became angry and yelled at me (in front of my children) and I let her know that her unpleasant behavior would not be tolerated. She pesters me to see the children every other weekend when they are home, and applies guilt because "they're her grandchildren". When I have weekends with the children, I need to care for them and maintain my home, and relationships with a host of friends and family, many of whom, my mother has no contact with. My mother does not drive, and rents a room in another lady's home, so she can't pick up the children or have them to her home. My ex left my home in a mess, from neglect and tantrums and I did not entertain company for about a year, while I got a semblance of order. My mother is quite obese, and has health problems, including problems walking. She uses walls and home furnishings to support her weight while she walks, or gets up, and she has damaged my home in the recent past, makes no offers to fix it (and probably can't afford to), and having her in my home is a physical hardship. I also have inexpensive seating, and she exceeds the weight limit, which is not uncommon, but I am too financially strapped to replace anything. She is also emotionally and verbally abusive to me and sometimes inadvertently to my children, and acts like she is the woman of my house. My mother insisted on seeing the children, and she does not drive, so once or twice a month, I pick her up and she treats us to a modest-priced meal, like Cracker Barrel or Applebee's.

My maternal grandmother recently passed on, and I was told my eldest daughter and I were her beneficiaries, but my mother claimed the entire life insurance policy, possibly changing it when my grandmother suffered dementia due to cancer complications. I am not upset about the money, but it upsets me that my mother had very little to do with my grandmother until she had something to gain. For several years, my grandmother gave mother part of her retirement checks to help support her, even though my mother rarely visited, and told anyone who would listen what a bad mother she was. I also have a disabled maternal uncle that my mother obtained guardianship of several years ago, but will not let any of us visit him unless my mother accompanies us.

Both my mother and my sister accused my childrens' fathers of being child molesters, even calling Children's Services on my ex-husband, resulting in an investigation, and the resolution being that the charges were unfounded. My ex-husband is your typical abusive husband, but I never got the pervert vibe off of him, still I had to have an open mind for the sake of my children. If my mother couldn't reach me, she would call my oldest daughter, and pester her. My mother once called the police to my house when my husband and I were having a verbal argument and I told her to butt out. She told the dispatch he had a gun (he did not), and let them into our house. I saw a light in my hallway and discovered two armed officers outside of our bedroom. That meddlesome stunt could have resulted in one or both of our deaths, but my mother claims she was concerned. Our marriage was doomed anyway, but it was still manipulative and malicious.

My sister and my mother believe that all men are predators and abusers. Yet, my mother stayed in an abusive marriage for financial security, and my sister stayed in an abusive relationship for financial benefits, and is looking for another man to love and support her financially. My sister's mother, also my mother's best friend is a housewife, but alternated between kind and abusive to her children, especially my sister. There are some patterns here, and I decided to get help early on, and break free of the pathological abuse. I choose to have a career, for the independence, security and personal affirmation. Also because my father warned me never to depend on a man, ironically.

About 8 months ago, I met a wonderful man, and I am very happy. My children visit their father on the weekends that his daughter is home with her mother, so we spend much of every other weekend at each other's homes, and socializing with friends, or enjoying local attractions. My sister has made several comments about my "happiness" and "how happy she is for me". I was skeptical of her comments, especially since she always looks for something wrong with anyone I am with. She also suggests being closer, but we have not been close since our early 20's, when it became clear we had different goals and priorities for ourselves and our children. My sister is a new grandmother, and I wanted to see the baby, but she insisted that she bring the baby over to my home, instead of me coming to visit her (she is living in her parent's home, due to an eviction). I had no problem with her coming over. I do have suspicions that my sister purposefully arrive two hours late hoping to cross paths with my boyfriend, but I don't want to seem paranoid. She asked where he was, and he was taking a nap during their visit. Not one week after my sister came to visit, my mother starts pestering me about why does she have to go to a restaurant to see the children, and why can't she come over to my home, like my sister did.

This sounds terrible but, my mother makes people uncomfortable, and I believe she is mentally ill but refuses to acknowledge it or get treatment. Sometimes she acts strangely, glares hatefully at me and any man I'm with, and often thinks she is being targeted by strangers for robbery or assault. She preaches to everyone about her religious beliefs, even when they are my guests. (I had to rescue two of my guests from her at my daughter's commencement and graduation party.) I could deal with all of this better if she was kind, but a lot of the time she's rude, mainly to me and anyone I am in relationship with.

She routinely will "forget" things at my home or in my car, then call later in the day, complaining about how dire it is that I bring them to her. Yesterday, she forgot a kitchen paring knife in my glove box, and called me yesterday evening, after I had spent 4 hours traveling to get her, dining, and running errands, exclaiming how she needed it right away. I have two small children at home and work a full-time job, and can barely keep it together while undergoing treatment for Complex PTSD. I explained that I wasn't going to have time to bring it to her until Monday. She called me 2-3 more times last night, and 2-3 times this morning, I didn't answer. She shows up at my door close to noon, calling me from the driveway. I get her knife from my car, and had it to her, politely bid her goodbye, and go in the house. About half an hour later, I text her that it is not okay to show up unexpectedly, and that calling from the driveway is not sufficient notice. In the future, I will not answer the door. My mother justifies her unexpected visit with me agreeing she could come pick it up yesterday, but I meant with arrangement. My entire life, and to this day, my mother will not entertain uninvited guests, and may not even come to the door, so my request for prior arrangement is not odd. Also, 8-10 years ago, when I trusted my mother with a spare key, she used my home as a rest stop, and came by to snoop or interrupt my life. Once she came over when my ex and I were engaged and walked in on us making out, and acted offended when I asked her to leave. . So I had to limit her access to my home

My mother is in her mid-60's and her health is not good, somewhat due to circumstances, but largely due to neglect, and refusal to be accountable for herself. I feel guilty, but I don't want her to ruin the new life I am working hard to build. I know she will target my boyfriend, and there are no limits to her malice. She sees me as her security blanket, even though I can barely keep myself and my children intact. That part of the family mistakes financial stability for abundance, even though I am struggling, but by the grace of God, I have a decent job, an okay house, and a reliable used car.

I am also starting my EMDR treatments to help with my childhood trauma soon, and trying to be more active lose weight, and prevent my parents' fate of extreme obesity and health problems from becoming mine. I also might have to find a better paying job with more responsibility to be able to make ends meet if my ex stops working and paying child support, which is a real possibility.

I need help to determine how to manage loyalty or responsibility to my mother, and the well-being of me and my children.

Thank you, all sincere advice is appreciated.