I've presented with depressive symptoms for many, many years but given that I sought out treatment for other things (primarily an eating disorder, or my old primary care doc took an anti-depressant route for trying to treat tachycardia) I never thought much about my depressive lows.

They've just been normal.

My first therapist was of the belief he couldn't treat the depression until I was nutritionally sound but despite having moved states and seen other professionals, I think it's in the back of my head to dismiss my struggles with depression because I've never hit 'nutritionally sound'.

My new primary called me out within minutes into our first meeting about my depression and strongly encouraged reentering therapy which kind of shocked me.

And I'll admit it here -- I am struggling. More than I have in the past. I'm nearing a point of actually losing the ability to function and it's freakin' terrifying but also feels like I'm overreacting? I do have appointments set up in the next few weeks to talk about changing my meds and seeing a new therapist which I know are steps in the right direction, but they also take time.

I know logically how to deal with ED related thoughts and feelings, or SI urges, but I feel like depression ranked so low with my previous therapists on the scale of what things needed attention first that I never got any pointers on how to cope.

And I get it's not on them, per se. I have google, a library card, forums, I can look up anything I might need, I just wondered if anyone else out there understands what I'm trying (and failing miserably to say here).

This is not a thing I'm proud to say and I absolutely mean no harm by it:

But I work in a hospital and occasionally have reason to be in the 'behavioral health' ward and I know it's not fair or right or anything but I get so envious of those inside.

It's so much pressure to just stay afloat with normal day to day things - laundry, bills, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, pet things, relationship things, family things - then you try and add dealing with various mental health related things and then physical ailments that are apparently so rare most docs haven't heard of them according to my cardiologist - I just.

I would like uninterrupted time to just be able to block that all out and focus on getting my meds right, to teaching me the coping tools to fight that stupid nagging seductive voice in my head that tells me things it shouldn't, to learn how to scrape up enough worth for myself to feel deserving of that kind of time and attention.

I just have to add that onto the list of 'things I can't ever afford'.

Sorry for all the words (and the offense if I've caused it) - I'm not sure I said anything of any value here. I just feel silly and dramatic and I guess, am trying to find it in myself to see this as valid so I can bring it up in my upcoming appointments instead of saying things are fine and downplaying it.