Hi All,

Just wanting to vent today...I am SO frustrated. I had a bad session last week with T. Something was just really off. I wasn't in the best of moods maybe (but I have BPD and my moods fluctuate all over the place all of the time). I am aware that I was a little negative and maybe finding holes in T's suggestions. For some reason I started to shut down...I wasn't finding the session at all helpful and my anxiety was going through the roof and when that happens I just freeze and start to whisper instead of talking in my normal voice. I asked to leave and I did but it was very awkward. T was different. Not her usual warm self and she looked either angry, frustrated or worried when I left. I don't know which but it wasn't normal. I agonized over reaching out to T over the weekend as my husband was away and I was struggling really badly with depression and feeling guilty for having left T early because I felt she was offended. So I sent a short mail to T and her reply was also not her normal style. We had a very small exchange of emails but her answers were short and not at all warm like normal. I was/am convinced she is really angry with me for my behaviour and that she took my leaving as a personal insult.

I was in such a state last night that my husband emailed T asking to talk to her today (against my wishes). T responded that she is sorry she can't today because it is a year since her father's death. I KNEW she had something going on. I sensed that she was off. And infact I had the same problem exactly one year ago and I remember contacting T and her replying and saying she couldn't talk and would explain later and it turned out her father had died.

See, I get that T has stuff going on. That's allowed. But I think she is unable to keep it out of the therapy room. We had a session before Christmas where T was SO distracted and spent the whole session looking down at her nails and picking the nail varnish off! I feel that she shouldn't be working and least of all with a BPD client when she has her own stuff going on.

I know I should feel sympathetic to her circumstances but I just feel so angry. It sets me back SO much when there are issues in the relationship. And now I have to pay for a session that was really not useful at all as I sensed T was not quite right and then spend weeks trying to fix it. I want to quit. I don't want my husband to talk to T. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster in this relationship. I never asked for outside contact, to be allowed to email, text, call whenever I wanted to. T offered and insisted on all of it. But her replies over the weekend were so off for her, even my husband agreed and it affects me so deeply. I feel so lost. And unable to see a way forward