You are worthy. You are not a fool. You are intellectual, very educated. You are working on finding peace with emotions... discovering what is "you" and your style...maybe youre wanting to stretch outside your culture a bit? Street smarts are an art...not everyone is an artist, but anyone can draw a stick figure I don't want my pep talk to seem like downplaying your feelings. Honestly, I just relate so much to the pain you describe.
There are kind, loving, compassionate people out there, everywhere. There are resources. Take a mind/body health class. There are people with open arms. They exist! And most people are just having their own struggle.
Trust doesn't come easy for me, and I've been learning to trust myself first. I learn to navigate these situations, I can be aware of my feelings, thoughts, myths...I can calm myself and soothe myself better now by remembering my new road map. You have what you need inside, it may just be obscured by defenses at the moment.
Solidarity with you!