Hi Crispapple,

Although the subject matter in this thread is both triggering and hard to read, it is incredibly validating and helps me feel less alone... Thank you for making the thread and to those of you who responded. I have gained a lot of insight from this thread.

I think this is an excellent question. I think everyone is different when it comes to trauma and whether one can accept an apology or not. What works for one may not work for another. It is important to remember that abuse cannot be pardoned or excused, EVER.

Radical Acceptance (in DBT therapy) talks about learning to accept terrible trauma and or abuse for the sake of moving forward, without having to agree with it or think that it is okay that it happened. It is not to be taken lightly when someone has hurt you so deeply.

I had many fake apologies over the years from my family and others who have abused me. I accepted their apologies for the sake (and hope) of saving the relationship and giving them a second chance (afterall, everyone deserves a second chance, right?) but that only enabled them to continue abusing me in other ways. It was disgusting to watch. It was as if they were completely devoid of any self-awareness. I felt sorry for them and that gave excuse to keep them in my life. Ultimately this enabled them to continue abusing me, albeit, in more subtle ways... Then, after many years of trauma, I got hurt by a group of highly unethical therapists who BY FAR damaged me the most. I was at my most vulnerable. They took advantage of me and absolutely demolished my ability to trust.

To answer your question from my own personal experience: NOT ONCE, has accepting an apology from an abusive human being improved anything. In fact, because I was so forgiving of the unethical therapists, they managed to gain my trust just long enough to alter and falsify my health records and cover-up their unethical misdeeds; thereby preventing me from winning a lawsuit I had threatened...

If only I didn't accept their apology they would be fired and unable to work with such vulnerable people like us... Makes me SO angry!

This broke me in two and cracked me open. I decided I would put up with NO MORE ABUSE!

Long story short, I had to get burned MANY times before I could realize that I was an easy target, that there was SO much importance in limiting who has a place in my life and in what way.

We are so sensitive and too nice and too kind. We need to stop allowing abuse in our lives and protect ourselves.

In my opinion: DO NOT accept the "apology" you received. IF you feel angry about it: you are fully justified in feeling that way. I hope that you can find some peace and calm.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz