Hello ProfessionalNerd: I'm sorry you are experiencing so much confusion. I don't know as there is much of anything I could suggest to you here. Perhaps some other members, here on PC, will be able to offer some insight. Ultimately I think this is all something you'll need to explore, over time, with the help of a mental health therapist. I know you wrote that you saw a counselor at one point for depression. But I think what is probably going to be needed here is more in-depth work over a period of time with a skilled therapist. In the meantime hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!