I get ya free... i wonder what life would be like w/o triggers. I mean, once i was living life totally chipper and positive - lil miss sunbeam. and then i went into terrible mood swings that made everyone shun me and made me suicidal. I didn't even know they were happening - how could I, with a "fractured" mind split into at least 12 seperately functioning parts? that lasted a long time. things do change and events happened that changed me (deaths, illnesses, etc) and i finally realized things weren't going well and started therapy. Now i actually see the differences, see how triggers effect me. Sometimes knowing really ain't half the battle - sometimes knowing makes it worse. I trust that at some point this will get better - that's the only thing that keeps me going forward. I still don't really know rock bottom - i've hit my "current" one several times, and each time has a new low. I know i need to learn new coping skills so that it doesn't result in cutting or suicide. Sure, my experiences have made me who i am - but i can't help but wonder who i might have been; like the little kid me who was in ice skating and was told by the instructor that i had olympic potential. Or how i had always wanted to be a dr when i was little - before my split mind became unable to pull the grades or utilize study habbits that would have allowed me to get there. I could ahve been anything - and currently i am nothing. Nothing but a struggling, pathetic mass of humanity working constantly to live a different life and free myself of these *&^$ bonds that try to hold me back. I'm make some day - if it doesn't kill me first. I'll get there. But it will be a very different "there" then what I was born to do.