Hey. Another random musing by yours truly. I feel like maybe if I write down what is in my head I will understand it better. Anyway, I feel okay. No major complaints. But I feel kind of blah. Bored and boring. This doesn't feel the apathy of major depression. It's not that I don't care about anything, it's just that nothing is really affecting me much one way or the other. So. Is this just what normal feels like? Is it possible that I crave the chaos I have longed to be rid of and that I am living in normalcy and just don't recognize it?? Or is this some Verson of "depression lite" that I am unfamiliar with?

I sort of feel like when you live by a road and hear all of the road noises at night and at first it bothers you but once you get used to it, it actually lulls you to sleep. So when you go somewhere that is really quiet you can't sleep because the silence is too ****ing loud...

I don't know what I mean. I am just bored. Even my loneliness is toned down. I feel like it would be nice to be with somebody but don't feel intensely lonely or anything. My life feels like dry white toast with nothing on it. I can eat it, it's not gross, but it isn't satisfying. I would almost rather be eating liver and onions, which are revolting, because at least I can actually TASTE that. And I would probably make a funny horrified look or spit it out uncouthly into a napkin and have a funny story to tell the next day. No one remembers dry toast. What the hell is wrong with me. Am I depressed? Or is this something else?

Whatever this is, I don't like it. Or hate it. But I don't think I am used to not feeling whatever I feel completely. All in. I fear maybe part of me is more comfortable being miserable than being so-so. This can't be normal. I don't feel like ME. I don't feel like much of anything. I could wake up and repeat today and be alright with it. But I don't really feel excited about stuff or overwhelmed by stuff; I just am sort of here. I am playing a minor part in the tv show of my life when I am used to playing the starring role. I don't know what the hell I am trying to say.

Do I sound depressed? Please tell me normal isn't this unremarkable...