i sent t a looooooooooooooooooooooooong rambly rave. probably a bit too long. i wanted him to understand... we talked about this a bit in our last session... about how i don't cope very well when people leave. he was like 'yeah' - i think he knows that when he takes time off it affects me significantly. i try and be good about it (try not to say / do anything that will make him feel guilty about going etc) but he does know that it does affect me significantly.

i sent t a looooooooooooooooooooooooooong rambly rave about how i really can get intensely attached to someone. and about how when they go i feel like i'm being ripped apart and i lose it for a time. talked about it a little in session, too. said about how when my t's from community mental health left termination would come out of the blue and they just wanted me to get the hell out as fast as possible. he was like 'you mean they only gave you a couple weeks' and i was like 'no... minutes. just wanted me to get out of there quickly before it started to sink in incase i made a scene'. because... i would lose it.

i told him about how i would phone up my druggie mates and they would look after me for a week or so. we'd get high and hang out and do stuff together and i'd come right eventually. i told him how if that didn't happen (if my mates were busy or something) then i'd really lose it... have to be hospitalized for a while. about how they didn't like hospitalizing me because i've hurt myself worst while i was an inpatient (leg injuries and attempts and lots of scarring and stuff).

i sent him an email about how i can let bob go because he is there for me now. about how i wish i didn't need people so much :-( about how i wish it didn't hurt me so much when they left :-( about how i wish i didn't crack up when they left :-(

i hope i haven't scared him by telling him about how bad it is for me when people go. i guess... it takes some time for me to get attached but once i am attached... i hope he isn't scared of / repulsed by my attachment to him. i'll try and be good... but it is hard for me to cope sometimes :-(