I live far away from my family, and have no friends. I once went to a hospital, and I didn't have any emergency number to give them. That's how much alone I am.

I saw a psychiatrist for a couple of months for a suspected ADHD because I wasn't doing well at graduate school. He prescribed me stimulant and non stimulant medications. He told me that the non stimulant medication was antidepressant as well. But I haven't seen a psychiatrist for depression specifically. The medications didn't change anything in my concentration problem and/or my depression. At the end he told me I may have anxiety, and I stopped seeing him. In general I have problems asking for help, but from my experience, therapy makes me feel worse. Also, I don't want to take medications.

I read some books on socialization and how to overcome social anxiety, since I think my depression stems from my social isolation, which in turn is because of my social anxiety. I read a self-help book with step-by-step techniques on how to overcome SA and I understood everything in it intellectually, but didn't have the courage to try any of them. I was afraid to fail. Which is ironic, because the book was trying to teach how to test your fears. You might think as others here did "I didn't want to change" or "I wasn't ready for change". Anyway, two years ago, and out of desperation, I started testing some thoughts, but not systematically as in the book I read before, although inspired by it, and was challenging myself to go out and try. I was attending at least 3 meetup groups a week, to try to socialize and break the social barrier, but to no avail. I was ignored within the groups when I tried to participate, and when I sat alone, no one cared.

Fine, I tried doing everything alone because people suggested to embrace myself instead of trying to find happiness in others, although they who suggested these weren't alone which makes you think Anyway, I was walking in the city alone, watching movies alone, attending festivals alone, going to the coffee shop alone ... etc, but soon after that the idea of being alone between all those people who were together as couples and friends brought me down. Since last year I have given up trying. I even barely go out to just walk in the neighborhood. Now depression and social isolation have become intertwined, and feed each others in and endless loop.

I know this isn't the most effective way because it's not guaranteed to happen, and it may sound lazy and crazy, but if nothing external changes, I'm unlikely to change, because I no longer have the energy or willingness to overcome my fear to change. The pulling forces are stronger than the pushing ones.