DadFMF
I would ask her to go with me. So I asked her and she said no.
This was the WORST thing you could have done - the more you reach out to her, the more she will emotionally distance & probably even disrespect you for it.

I went thro this - altho of different reasons b/c your wife's age was not noted by me. I was reading much of her reaction b/c I related to it so very much!

I believe that Rose (?), above had mentioned that this was was NOT midlife. You have to be midlife to have (!!) a midlife crisis - it is the 'number of years & ALL its contents' that finally surface - i.e., what happened in that person's life up to midlife. In many cases it's 'a life gone wrong' that becomes a life worth scrutinizing, re examining & consequently blaming others, due to anger when one is running out of time. I brough this up b/c you mentioned it again & as Rose indicated, you are going through a crisis due to the shock of this horrible reality. One you could not expect.

To reiterate:

• Do NOT ask her anything. You are not helping this situation.
• She IS dishonest with you - BIGTIME. you said "bunch of lies"
• This marriage is over.

re: >> did stop the the no contact rule. So if I stop talking to her for a while what do you guys think about that << This thread already answered that question.

• You are in shock, maybe denial since you are still attached & holding on.
• Please get a network to SUPPORT you (re jacck123) during your time of loss. You have lost your family unit as you knew it, lost your wife ... you need support

I did exactly the same, reaching out, hoping, not wanting to let go or give up - & I suffered even more for it. You felt betrayal, you will note my name coming in to this forum. I too felt "profound" betrayal. The more I reached out, the worse it became, it was torture ... boy am I different today! Never thought I could rationalize like this, although I still have my ups/downs, my sadness ... ! I am different. Less controlled by the trauma of my experience.

You are in an 'emotional washing machine' ... on high, full load, with scorching hot water - DO NOT reach out to her. Get support instead. It would look much clearer with support & after sometime.

I know it is NOT easy. You took the hit - suddenly. I am sorry about what you are going thro every time I read this. But reaching out to her when she doesn't really want you is the worst thing you can do.

• Get support.
• Take care of you (this will be good for you & kids).
• Improve yourself/your life.
• Feel what you must - find a way to give your feelings expression (journalling worked for me, but the gym might 4 you?? Or something else?? Find it!
• Listen to music YOU LIKE. Turn up the volume a bit when you are doing chores - sing out loud to it if you #$$%%$^^& feel to - but DO NOT contact her. In other words - finds avenues to support taking attention AWAY from her.
• DISTRACT (**below) /protect yourself from the very strong imposing emotions that are bombarding you - go /get OUT. Do 'stuff'. Surround yourself with those who DO WANT YOU ! Those who love you, non-toxic people who leave you feeling good, not bad!

**Distraction - find it!!

• Hobbies/interests.
• Walk/Exercise/Gym
• Shows, Concerts .. anything!
• Doodling ..anything!
• Venting on forum
• Socializing - GOOD friends, family (tell the ones you feel emotionally safe with that you are having a hard time & to 'excuse you sometimes' let them know that "you are TRYING & that it takes time. & 2 bear with ya"
• 'SNAP' - received from another poster, will locate & post 4 you (it may/may not be for you (?), but you can check it out

The idea is to replace the negatives, 'fill those spaces' with positives (positive psy suggests that it takes 3 - 4 positives to replace 1 negative experience/emotion. Thats why its so very hard to snap out of negative thoughts, emotions when we are going thro so much, although positive is more sustainable over a long period of time, it is the negative that is strong (!), up front, FIRST & foremost & vying for attention All faulty 'wiring' - yup, its evolution yet again!!! ) We were wired for this in the past ...

Now, young man, get out & LIVE!!!