sooooo i met with my therapist.

we went into his office. he asked me how i am, i said i am ok. he asked me what's been going on, i said the same old stuff. i felt nervous, SO NERVOUS. he got the playing cards out and we started to play rummy.

he said "im sorry for the confusion about scheduling"

i said thank you. i explained to him how i interpreted all of that. basically i thought he was just done with me because he couldn't seem to fit me in his schedule.

he told me he thought that the last time we met, that i wanted to suspend therapy for a while. he said that he should have clarified that with me, though.

i told him i can't take anything anyone says at face value. he asked me what i meant by that. i said that i am always searching for hidden motives and reading between the lines of what people do and say.

he said something about how that's how psychosis is, and trauma.

he said that he thought i made a good point the last time we met. when i had said something about him not being clear on things with me.

he explained how he has cut back because of his starting to get burned out. he said he is seeing less clients, cutting down his work days, taking a break from some of the game nights, not doing as much sliding scale work, saying no to his co-founder of his practice about extra things she wants to do for their business. stuff like that.

he said when he left the treatment program that we met in, that he was pretty burned out. he took a 2 month break then "hit the ground running" with starting his own business and building it up. he said he's been "sprinting" ever since then.

i thanked him for explaining it to me. i told him that, in my mind, i noticed him changing immediately after i shared details of my CSA trauma with him. he acknowledged that he can see how i would think that. he said he really "dropped the ball there". he said looking back on it, it makes a lot of sense to him why i was in so much distress and seeking more and more reassurance from him.

he said when he noticed he was dropping the ball on things like that, that it told him he needed to slow down. create a better work/personal life balance. basically that he wasn't on his therapy game.

he apologized for that. he said his changes had nothing to do with my sharing my CSA trauma. he said that he guessed he had been slowly and gradually making changes, and it didn't even register to him that i would link the two together. he said it is not related to my trauma disclosure in any way. he said he has known about my CSA trauma for a long time, before i even discussed it with him last year.

i told him i understand what he is saying.

the rest of the session we talked about my school, my roommates, some of my friends.

at the end he got on his laptop and asked if i want to schedule another appointment. i said yes. i see him next wednesday at noon, then i will have my regular time slots back- sunday at 12 and wednesday at 12

i said to him "im glad i came" he said me too.

i asked him for a hug. he said yes. we both got up and i hugged him. he squeezed me hard, and said "im glad you're feeling better, and im glad you came"