This week I've felt a certain change in me, a positive change. A feeling at times of being "well". Its not set in stone and not all the time, but its like a signal trying to break through.

I was writing last night, and one of the things I've always felt is the fear of being "cured". I remember talking to T once about this and being afraid if I were "cured" that I'd then have no one helping me. T said even by thinking this means I still need to be in therapy. That was comforting.

So last night these feelings that I have reminded me of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, and believe me I am a non believer, an atheist through and through, but the story was actually helpful in helping me put my thoughts into some meaning.

I feel if I reach up and take the Apple, feel well, then T being god will be angry at me and withdraw her care. I realised that was how it was growing up. Mum would squash any signs of me being seperate from her, any signs I showed of having an individual thought.

But T isn't going to be angry, and isn't going to withdraw her care, infact she will be pleased and want to talk about it.

Finally I think its safe for me to take the apple and know I haven't commited a sin.