Thank you kindly. Maybe I just barged in? It feels like that now.
Sorry. I don't post much but there are snippets from my life in other
parts of the forum if anyone is wondering. I have 17 posts here it is
more than anywhere else I think. I do not stay often. Surprised I am
still here.

I feel like the long version of everything is coming up. I'm not sure
what is important. It is new to me I look and wow people know so much
about their psychological states and for me that vocabulary has just
started to mean something to me. At first I did not like it at all.
Because I think nothing should box me in and I should be free. One
word can never describe me. I was thinking a diagnosis of any kind
will just push me into a slot and I can make better slots, if any at
all are needed. My middle name is Freedom.

But things get complicated. I am not used to talk to others about
anything and just putting myself in a situation where feedback is
possible is really strange to me. But I realize if I am going to
communicate maybe I need some kind of common language, also there is a
part of me that is dead curious of things like diagnoses but I try to
not feel that.

I was almost forced to be diagnosed. See I live in assisted living and
they give me welfare money to stay afloat. At first I did not even pay
them, yes irresponsible and defiant, so they gave me an assistant that
gives the papers to welfare that they need and he pays the rent or
what to call it, and then he ditches out pocket money on my bank
account. In the beginning he talked to them and said I cannot work
right now and they were OK with that. But after a while they wanted me
either apply for jobs or go to a doctor to get a paper of why I cannot
work.

I almost told my therapist that I can just pretend I look for work and
fake applications the welfare office will never check. Actually I did
that for a while. But then she made it my homework I think she was
suspicious to actually get the doctor's notice instead. Because she
said that I cannot work now I am allowed money just I get this paper,
I can work on working in the future. Because it is hard to get
appointments it was very formal and just fishing for information and
also he had read the therapist's files they are in the same system so
it is allowed. Based on that he wrote the reason of my sick leave.

I thought I will just give this paper to the guy that will give it to
welfare without looking. But I got too curious and at the beginning
there was a long line describing why I cannot work and most I think is
correct. There was also a short line for diagnoses. Here is what it
says:

(F60.1) Schizoid personality disorder
(F60.8) Immature personality disorder
(F90.0) Strong suspicion of Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder
(F44.9) Some suspicion of Dissociative disorder, unspecified

Firstly I did not expect to be slammed with four things. But he hinted
to me that the more the better but to my knowledge any doctor's notice
will be accepted by welfare. But it makes me feel that I should not
take the number so seriously. Of course I went to read up on them at
once. Schizoid I think describes only part of me but that is OK,
Immature personality disorder does not even exist on the list so I
don't know what it is, doctor was old so maybe it was something they
used to diagnose more with in the past. ADHD I just cannot see but I
am glad he saw my impulsiveness and lack of morals not as being
antisocial. For the dissociation I was surprised he even bothered to
put it in.

When I heard the word alters in my thread I was going to say no I have
none. Jo is my childhood pretend friend that I grew up with. Then I
thought maybe an alter does not need to be you, or in your head. Jo is
almost always outside just like another person would be. Even if I
can't see him he has a physical body and he sits on the floor right
now. I could tell you what he says but I myself could never be him. I
am always me. I know he is my imagination but in a way he is like a
real person. It is hard to explain. I know this is not DID but I
understand it might be some form of dissociation. So no alters, but
something out of the norm. The reason I think he is part of
dissociation is that he knows some things I do not. He knows how to
make pancakes, I don't know that. For example. He does not have other
memories than I do I think, but he has other knowledge.

But when I think of it I think the reason for the suspicion of
dissociation more comes from things I told my therapist that I thought
were quirky but normal. I did not know it is unusual to have different
versions of yourself. My two are very different from each other. I
thought it is not anything with a name because I never lose time, I am
always present, it is not I who change but my set of traits. I did not
think that was a big deal but seems like it was kind of.

Right now I am just longing for summer. It is so cold out and there is
not much to do outside in the town. I hope that if I ever grow up I
will still be dancing in the fields when spring comes.