I have cheated on my boyfriend multiple times. It wasn't a one time thing. I have cheated on him about 8 times total, having kissed several guys, and had sex with 3. If you asked my why I did it I couldn't really say. I can barely even remember the events but I know they happened, I think I block things. I don't know why I am like this, after my friend died the summer before last I became very hypersexual but once I got into a relationship I didn't control it when I started drinking. Whenever I really try to think about it though my mind goes blank because I think I really just don't want to accept I am the person I am.

I guess nobody here knows who I am so I can really disclose this stuff, but I am so shameful and humiliated in myself. As I should be. He found out about these events, I wasn't even the one to tell him. A mutual friend did.

The pain I have caused him, it makes me sick to my stomach. But for some reason he decided to stay with me. He loves me so much, I don't think anyone has loved me as much as him other than my mom. I am suicidal. I know I can never reverse the pain I have caused him and be the girl he deserves.

I don't know what to do. I am flooded with self loathing and his love now hurts because I can't feel like I deserve any of it. And I know that I don't, there is nothing else to it.

What do I do? How do I change when I have already done something so bad. How do I cope or should I just accept this feeling of depression? I feel so desperate, and so drained. I don't know how to lift this weight.

Sorry guys, I am a mess, I know.