Hi there,
Re: >> so you're considering getting back with a man who dumped you for a string of flooseys <<

well it really isn't that simple Rose
I had communicated with a support group not long after I began here. Much was confidential & I also felt that my posts at the time could be discovered through a mutual contact.

My situation isn't DadFMF's. I was dealing with mid life crisis. Employment, milestone birthday, compounded by illness. I spoke with a support group with the same problems. They informed me! I had no idea of what I was dealing with before. And their predictions were 'more or less spot on' ... The behaviour (qu. "string of flooseys" etc ) was template midlife behaviour. It wasn't unique & many shared the same experiences. For one period in my life, all seemed ok, & then it suddenly (!) changed & 'flooseys were it!' This was unlike ppl. who were habitual cheaters.

What I learnt was that the behaviour did not always have to do with the betrayed spouse. These could be unresolved issues manifesting itself as destructive behaviour. It wasn't 'personal' Sooner or later the mid-life spouse would figure it out & I noted that many did as I accumulated info.

They all felt initially invincible. Felt that what 'was out there was better' than what they had at home, they all demonized the spouse when it fact they carried guilt, shame & demonizing gave them permission to do what they wanted. Their emotional fuel would burn out ... (?) But it wasn't like that of habitual cheaters re consistency.

I have in fact observed a gradual 'settling down' of my spouse. Since this did not seem to be a 'straightforward infidelity case with the habit of cheating, but something else, I communicated with my group. I communicated with people who had experience with midlife crisis and waited.

Counselling is to address any issues, unmet needs that typically surface later in life ... if the relationship can be salvaged because the problems are not simply infidelity but a larger issue, then it might be worth a go! "in the interest of the family" - maybe my semantics are no good. Not all of us can communicate effectively & convey what we mean. Maybe we are tired at the time or stressed - I am interested in my family unit - no shame in that. And this entire forum is based on the premise of some kind of couselling. So why not??

The behaviour I encountered when the crisis first began seems like a phase today. My husband has not gone bar hopping or gone out for sometime.
This is far from settled but 'the 17 yr old' mid life criss spouse who took off to have a good time. He is working again (! - a huge part of the problem) & spending more & more time with "his kid" (initially he had no interest). He even asks me out like old times - that didn't happened either!

I know my marriage went up in smoke. This is checking on the possibility of a new improved relationship IF that possibility exists. Some in my support group - although few, have reunited with their spouses. Had his behaviour not begun to change, I wouldn't be around.

>>you sure have an awful lot on your own plate to sort out.<<
I know I have a lot on my own plate. My support group is aware of my struggles & issues (I may even have contributed to spouse's frustration - if yes, I have to take ownership, that is why I went to therapy, & that is what I am trying to work out).

My husband was always resistant re therapy but in the end, it seemed like the only viable option because we clearly couldn't help ourselves without getting upset. I felt that since we were both emotional - that counselling would be good for objective direction & help.

>>attributed to "counselling" as a way to get people to be how we want them to be.<<
I NEVER tried to get my husband to be 'the way I wanted' You are NOT aware of the details of my husbands or my past. ALL of that information was NOT posted publicly. I wanted us both to identify & deal with our past & communicate our issues so that we could have a healthy relationship.
That's why if he chose to come with me, that was great. After many volatile arguments, we didn't seem to have too many options re solutions.
- again, so much of the "Psych Central" site is related to "counselling!"

I'm not trying to change him - I am just trying to resolve what we misunderstand - trying to speak the same language, because the one we do speak is NOT working!

>> vehemence about what the OP should do <<
- comes from a place of understanding the OP's level of desperation I was also advised to get out there & live my life btw ...
- comes from trying to help - & to be well intentioned. to encourage That's it.

We all express things differently - maybe my language is ?? or style is offensive ??
Maybe the way I post isn't clear or effective.
Bear with me - I really do have a full plate & not everything has worked out
- as yet!

I am sorry if much was vague. It is as I said, my history & personal information was not 'public' as in www, so I do expect much of the information to read as 'gappy'.

Rose, Thanks as always for your response.

DadFMF, I'm not kidding. Staying 'in it' will drag you down - get out & live your life (!!), you feel better than if you 'stay put' just thinking about 'her'. Take care.